SELF TALK

There are days I look in the mirror and I say "You a bad bitch!" but today I said..."This is ALL bad bitch!" It's funny how a pair of pants can reduce your self esteem to extinction. I learned never to ask anyone with the ability to respond "Does this make me look fat?!" Because you're clearly setting them up to tell a boldface lie. Anyone who's courageous enough to tell you the truth, will end up risking their relationship with you, and they know it's not worth it. So ladies, please do yourselves a favor and go ahead and take your pants as the truth teller in this situation. Oh, and don't think I never used the excuse "Well... I did just wash these pants!"

It's easy to let shit like that get to you especially when you know you've been eating too much french fries for lunch and having cupcakes before you go to bed. You know you ain't been right with yourself and an inanimate object like your pants, the scale, the mirror, can tell you without restraints. No need to ask anyone else and involve them with your overdue self-talk.


So self, here's what I have to say to you..."This is preposterous! Pull yourself together! I'm just about sick of you thinking Monday is the only day you can start living right! Yes, I understand you want me to be kind and compassionate right now, but how about I give you praise on your cheat days. I need you to make conscious decisions everyday except on cheat days. Actually we're going to stop calling it cheat days or free days or whatever the hell else day that is altogether. Because the word cheat just don't go well with me and why would you want to cheat on your own damn self? We will call it furlough days. It is an authorized leave of absence from structure. In the meantime, take those pants out of the closet hang it in your kitchen where you can see it before you eat that damn cupcake and begin your day with the end in mind. Self, today is a good day to work on your will. Make a vow that you will not wear sweats or leggings in lieu of those pants before the month is over! You can do this...don't forget, it's not your size but it's your "I CAN DO THIS" attitude that makes you a BAD ASS BITCH!"

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Gym Public Service Announcement

My 9:30pm phone call was from a friend who's a personal trainer to some of the wealthiest people in LA. She was talking about her training session with one of her clients and how she was appalled by her outfit. Granted her measurements were that of an overly enhanced Barbie doll, she was proudly wearing a forest green unitard from American Apparel. She said to me "Rosa, really? A unitard?" It's not that her body couldn't pull it off but she was definitely making a public service announcement. The kind that tells people what NOT to wear when you're working out. Unitards are cute on 6 year olds going to dance classes. But it's not so cute when you see a grown ass woman sweat in it at the gym. I know what you're thinking...maybe we were just hatin' Uh...no! There is nothing more irritating than training or watching someone workout in some inappropriate outfits. So here's some basic gym etiquette I'd like to share with all of you as my own public service announcement.

1. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! Yeah we know you're proud of the body you've worked so hard for to look like a sculpted masterpiece. But let's face it; there are some of you that should know better. For the ladies...stick to black pants, tights or shorts. When your hoo-ha is sweating and you look like you peed something vicious, we think it's GROSS. And guys, the ripped off tank tops and the smedium tops and short shorts? It's 2011...a t-shirt or a tank top (if you can pull it off) with longer shorts and appropriate shoes. But the worst violation is to walk around butt ass neked in the locker room. I've heard stories fellas. You shouldn't be without clothes unless you're in the shower!!!

2. NO..AARGH!'S UUHHH!'S GRRR-UH!'S UUGH!'S. Leave the noisemaking for your special home video with your beloved. I understand the grunting and the moaning unleashes the beast inside of you but sometimes I have my headphones on full blast and still hear all that noise. Speaking of noise...

3. DO NOT SLAM OR DROP YOUR WEIGHTS. Rule of thumb is if it's too heavy to begin with, it's not going to get lighter after your set. Another reason why you either need a personal trainer or a spotter. And when you're done...

4. YO'MOMMA DON'T WORK THERE...PUT YOUR OWN WEIGHTS AWAY. It's so irritating when you're looking for 15 lbs dumbbells and you see every other weight but that. Or, how about loading up 5 45lbs plates on each side of the leg press machine and leaving it there for someone who only wants 25 on each side to unload your shit! So please put the equipment back where you got it. Load, unload. Load, unload. Repeat.

5. ONLY TAKE WHAT YOU NEED. Really? How many body parts can you work out all at the same time? I'm the queen of full body workouts, but damn...how can you use the incline, flat and decline bench all at the same time? The 15, 25, 30 and just in case you can do 2 reps 45lbs weights serving as your little fort. Free weights....yes indeed, can you please free the weights you're not using?

6. CHECK YOUR FORM. Swinging your weights, not doing full movements, hunched over, bad posture...to name a few is like hearing nails dig and scratch the chalkboard for me. I understand not everyone is blessed with the proper training or knowledge of form, but it is imperative to learn about it simply because it's for your own safety and the safety of others when you can't control the movement.

7. DE-FUNK! Enough said. Deodorize, sanitize, wipe, do what you gotta do to minimize the funk. Your armpits smelling like your ass is a good indication it's time to end your workout and RUN to the nearest shower.

There's so much more to share with you when it comes to my second home, but I'll have to leave you with this for now. I hope this helps you and the people around you. The gym is my happy place...please help me keep it that way!

Lose Weight...Get Your Mind Right!

40% is the likelihood I would pick up my phone when anyone calls. So if anyone wants to talk to me, the best way is to text, email even Facebook me (yes, facebook is now a verb). It's not that I don't want to talk, I just know that every time I pick up the phone it's about to be at least 20 minutes of my undivided attention. It's never been an issue that my phone is a crisis hotline. My friends know I'm the one they can call from any time zone to listen as long as I pick up.

So my recent 7am call was from a friend coming back from the gym. She, like most of my friends have a minor complex when we don't hear from each other for about a week. We have the police department on speed dial to put out an APB if necessary. After 10 minutes of playing catch up about life, she started telling me about her new meal plan to lose weight. She was so excited to have met a dietitian that told her she wasn't eating enough. I asked her what she typically eats and I pretty much concurred with what her dietitian told her. I also added, that's plenty of food...FOR YOUR BACK FAT!...but what about the rest of your body parts that need nourishment? I asked how long she's been on this meal plan and with much enthusiasm she says TWO DAYS!! Uh huh, no wonder you still sound motivated.

I can't tell you how many times people have asked me what they should eat to lose weight. My health and fitness background makes it easy for me to elaborate on just about any diet plan. However, I learned the key question is "What do you eat now?" That prompts them to think and have a "come to Jesus" moment.

Diet plans should be as personalized as your signature. The old adage "Eat Less, Burn More" may be the most popular bottom line when it comes to losing weight but it's unfortunate that the words "less" and "more" are absolutely relative. A 120 lbs woman who gets carried away with the word less can be one hamburger away from being anorexic whereas a 190 lbs woman should probably take the "more" exercise route after eating a fry. Too damn confusing!

I will admit there is a science to losing weight. Between genetics, body composition and willingness to make healthy lifestyle choices...there's so much to consider. But what I learned is, there is one cardinal rule when it comes to losing weight and that is BE CONSISTENT! Consistency is key to success in life.

The first step to losing weight is being ready. If you are not mentally, emotionally and physically committed to making this happen, you're more than likely to keep promising yourself you'll start dieting on Mondays. No one can ever truly make that decision for you, but it's not a bad idea to be inspired by others. The next step is to make the decision that you will see yourself through this goal no matter what happens. Decisions are just thoughts until we put it to action. The hardest step is following through. This is the part where we start to negotiate and challenge our decisions. We'll start telling ourselves "One cookie isn't going to hurt!" "I'm stressed so I deserve a piece of chocolate cake." "I'll go to the gym tomorrow" These thoughts wouldn't be so bad if it only comes up once a month, but if you find yourself thinking like this every other day, it's time for you to re-establish your commitment. How bad do you want it?

There are thousands of tips out there on how to lose weight but we've all been through the frustrations of not getting our desired results at the desired time frame. What I recommend is writing your current eating habits for 3-5 days and looking at your pattern. What time did you eat? What did you eat? How did you feel before and after you ate? Are you still hungry? Or do you feel energized? The more you see your patterns objectively, the easier it will be to make the changes that works specifically for you. I would never recommend anyone to eat oatmeal if they throw up with just the thought of it. So be realistic and be honest with yourself. Let's face it, losing weight is the "goal" but the ultimate reward is feeling good about living a healthy lifestyle. So get your mind right, be consistent and lose weight without losing your mind!

Costco Compulsion

My Mom was too cheap to buy the membership so she asked one of her friends to take her. I was well over the age where I understood this was not a trip to Disneyland yet with the energy and the excitement in the air, we might as well say we were. We piled up in a van and headed out to this wonderland called Costco. The parking lot was full and people came out of that warehouse like they had supplies to last them until the next lifetime. Where the hell was I? The supermarket for end of the world shoppers?! However, I knew it was exclusive enough to make sure not to separate from the cardholder otherwise they would deny your entry. My Mom kept us close. I never really knew why it was so exclusive and what made Costco special. Not until I had children of my own. It all started with trying to save money on diapers. 13 years ago, Costco and I got to know each other real well. Some checkers knew my name and reminded me it's time to replace my Brita filter. But Costco was more than a place to shop, it was a respite care for frustrated wives, a place to wander around when my ex-husband pissed me off and I wanted to get away. I found comfort in aisle drifting at Costco. I mindlessly picked up items I didn't need but it looked like I would need it sometime in the next 10 years. Today Costco is where I take my children if I want them to have a culinary tasting experience so I don't have to make them lunch. They're old enough to know how to linger and get the first sample fresh out of the oven or the pan. There is a method to this madness. Never go to Costco on a weekend, unless you get there an hour after they just opened. Never go to Costco when you're full. Always have a list of the things you need. Learn the aisles so you don't venture into the ones you know you'll be tempted to buy something you don't need. Look through their online products, they're more than likely not going to display caskets on aisle 6. Know your pattern of consumption, you're probably not going to need the 5 gallon mayonnaise. Know how much storage you have, it may look relatively smaller or less in a big ass warehouse but as soon as you store it in your closet you'll soon realize you don't need that much toilet paper. Leave your card and checkbook at home and bring cash, it might help to keep your ass on a budget. But most of all, learn how to cook overgrown rotisserie chicken 3 ways. The first night you take that chicken home, it'll be ok as it is, but the following day, it might be best to make it a chicken enchilada or quesadilla. And for God's sake, control your Costco Compulsions! If you're taking trips to Costco every 4 days, what would be the point of buying in bulk? At the very least, Costco is good for their $1.50 hotdogs with soda because it's amazing how you can buy so much shit and get home only to realize you now need to go to Safeway in order to cook a real meal. But if any consolation, you have enough toilet paper to make yourself a pinata tonight.

Pole-ishness!

I go through different phases when it comes to my workout. Once I wanted to learn pole dancing and asked my sister in law to come with me. I was ready to "work" that pole. I brought my clear heels and leg warmers and I was sure that by the end of that class I'd be able to spin upside down on that pole. Uhm...not so much. First of all she wouldn't let me wear my heels (I realized later why, cause I would've broke my neck) and I ended up with burns between my thighs. No, not the kind of burn that required penicillin! The instructor was so un-sexy that I found it hard to get motivated. Shouldn't she have fake boobs and long legs with fake eyelashes? Why did I look more like a stripper than she did? It was an introductory class, I learned to hold the pole....even though I never had issues holding a damn pole for God's sake! She took the class to the floor. Oh..that I'm familiar with. She came up with a routine that even my Grandmother would've been able to learn (except she's dead and ew..her dancing?) I thought to myself, I can teach a class like this and people would come out feeling like a porn-star! She brought the whole routine back to the pole. I forgot which leg to wrap where. I fell on my ass. My tailbone still hurts. I would've sued except it was my fault for even thinking I could be a pole expert in an hour. It was going to take months, much to my disappointment. But one thing I know, practice is everything...I decided I need a pole for my house. Except it can only come up during the hours my daughters are in bed which is 9pm-7am. Oh, and where would it go? Damn! I can't wait until my children move out!

Surprise!!!

I discovered not all wax is good wax. I went to the nail salon to get my brows "cleaned up." Now as nervous as I was, I thought this $9 job can't be too bad. They do this shit all day, they're professional. So I decided to put my trust in their hands. I closed my eyes titled my head back and felt the warm wax touch my skin. She cut a piece of cloth which I thought looked more like a gauze pad and proceeded to rub it on the wax. Ten seconds later her exact word was "Oooops!" Now did this lady just say what I think she said? Of course my first reaction was not to beat her ass but to ask "What's wrong?" She said " Oh nothing, nothing!" How I interpreted that was maybe they were just stray hairs, no big deal. So she hurried and did the other side. I felt something different on my left brow as she was doing the right...almost a feeling of being somewhat naked. She did the right side and when she got done she acted rather odd. She was looking for a black liner pencil. I was so excited to see what my "cleaned up" brows looked like that I reached over for the mirror when she was busy looking for a pencil. She realized I was about to look at myself when she yelled and said "I no done!" Well ok then...something was definitely strange. She looked away again and since I had the mirror in my hand I quickly put it up to see myself, and Ohhhh Shit! Why do I look surprised even when I was expressing anger? Oh yes. Cause she didn't just wax stray hairs, she waxed half of my eyebrows with an arch so high I looked like RuPaul. She said "Oh it's fine...just fill up with pencil like mine!" What the hell? Lady...you ain't got no eyebrows! You draw yours on! I was livid! Shook and nervous that I would jump right for her throat, I did everything to talk myself out of assault charges. I spent a few minutes mourning the loss of my eyebrows. It just didn't make sense why I would need to now draw my eyebrows when I had eyebrows before this. With my head hanging low I walked over to the cashier to settle this transaction. She had the audacity to say to me "I give you half off!" Whaaat? "Naw bitch you took half off!" I paid, no tips. Sat in my car in disbelief and when I had enough courage to look at the beauty catastrophe in the mirror...I had to tell myself "It'll grow back...in the meantime, go rock that Surprise look!"

See You at the Treadmill

Stairmaster and I have a "love-hate relationship" I love what it does to my rear end and I hate that I need to spend at least 45 minutes to burn off 1/2 of a cookie I ate the day before. But what makes time go by for me is the gritty voice of Lil'Wayne, self help book in front of me and Dr. Oz's cheesy ass "show and tell" spectacle. I zone right out...all bases covered. Within 10 minutes of my stair stepping performance I realize someone decided to climb on the apparatus right next to me. I looked around...there's at least 6 of them available. Now what would posses this person to be right next to me is beyond comprehension. So I continued. I figured maybe the others weren't working. Then I noticed she was looking at my display console. I could tell from the corner of my eyes that she was curious what level I was on. I was at 12! Out of 20! That's right, I am the stairmaster queen! She put hers on 13. I looked at it and said to myself "I can do 13". Five minutes later I thought "I'm ready for 14" She put hers on 15. I looked over and for the first time we had eye contact. I couldn't show her I was starting to huff and puff so I couldn't slump. I started stepping every 2 steps. She was jogging on the damn steps. Before I knew it, I was engaged in a stairmaster battle. There's no such thing as getting anywhere. There is no prize for someone who finishes first. Damn...now I burnt the whole cookie off. Drenched and tired, it lasted for what seemed like 3 hours. It stopped, I gave her my evil eye, wiped off, took a deep breath and said to her..."See you at the treadmill!"